I’ve gotten a lot of messages over time from women caught in situations they want out of, where they’re being actively emotionally manipulated and abused and don’t have a means to get out.
If this is you, here are the most important things you need to know:
1. Read this article. There was a study done on intermittent reinforcement and rats where the rats became addicted based on an inconsistent reward system. Many of us don’t realize that in our childhoods we were conditioned to externalize our validation. The sooner you notice that you may be using your very valuable energy respurces to pander to the needs of others, the better you can take note not only of their tactics but your ability to reign your energy in. Learn more about that here: https://thoughtcatalog.com/…/this-powerful…/
2. You need to understand their patterns. The most important thing you will ever do is to see that your narcissistic person in your life is subject to a series of tactics they use to manipulate you. Your goal is not to be subject to emotional control by turning every interaction with them into a game wherein you study this entire glossary like it’s a survival guide and learn to pick out the tactics. I’ve learned so much about doing this over the years that when people tell me stories, i can laundry list tactics. Identify them. Stop paying attention to what they’re saying and use this. Breaking the cycle of emotional control and letting them send you into a spiral is absolutely ESSENTIAL to your mental health: https://flyingmonkeysdenied.com/glossary-of-narcissistic…/
3. POUR INTO YOU. We oftentimes don’t notice the codependent dynamics that we are stuck in until we leave them. But when we cannot, it becomes absolutely CRITICAL to focus on YOU. You cannot control this person, and you will never receive consistent love, validation, or care from them. You absolutely MUST detach and (like your life depends on it, because it does) begin the pursuit of your wellness, finding grounding, activities you love, hobbies.
4. SQUIRREL AWAY MONEY LIKE CRAZY. Start baking, get an extra job, take surveys online, offer yourself up as a remote part time assistant, babysit, house sit, dog sit, DO ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING YOU CAN to make extra money to help move you away from this situation. It’s difficult to afford being solo in this economic climate, but NOT impossible. I promise you, anyone that has ever left a situation like you’re in with absolutely nothing has NEVER regretted doing so, your peace is your most precious asset.
5. disengage. There’s a tactic called grey rocking. You need to take notice of how they attempt at every turn to elicit reactions from you. That can be anything from light roasting and intermittent reinforcement to normalizing name calling, showing aggression and danger that is directed towards something else in your presence all the way to overt screaming in your face, throwing things, hitting, and more. The most insidious abuse is VERY covert over time, usually executed by psychopaths that literally get off on watching you trigger at them. STOP DOING THAT. They have wired your brain to respond and your amygdala is shrinking in survival mode. This can cause so many physical and mental health issues and even full on nervous breakdowns. You must find a way to stop allowing them to control your emotional state. This is very difficult. I find that there are a few techniques that work, but practicing pausing before reacting and literally just removing yourself physically can work.
6. Find support. There are multiple Facebook groups that offer support emotionally to women exiting these types of situations. Spending time in them helps you identify that you’re not alone, which is very valuable when you believe that you’re stuck. You’ll see a lot of stories that help you better identify tactics and realize that you’re not wrong, you’re not alone, and you’re not crazy. The abusive individuals ability to gaslight and even turn entire communities, employees, friends and family members against you is very real. These communities will help you identify through the stories you read that true hidden abuse is only usually seen by the other person inside it. I have a very small group, but Caroline Strawson (please follow her podcast on Spotify and her social pages, they’re gold) has a MASSIVE group for women, and that’s where i started. I have a local group of women, but it’s not nearly as active, though the support in there is amazing.
7. READ. Please read. Healing from Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas was one of the most important books i ever read on this topic. The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist by Debbie Mrza is another. Codependent No More by Melanie Beattie. Let Them by Mel Robbins is good for more general letting go of needing to control.
8. Keep a list. Intermittent reinforcement is powerful. You’ll often find yourself waffling between – this is the absolute worst i have to leave, to – it’s not that bad, maybe I’m wrong here. Gaslighting is a powerful tool. To help yourself leave, you need to create a list. And add to that list every time they do something. Ideally you’re setting boundaries and leaving, but if you’re not- you’re at least documenting every single thing that happens on paper. This can be valuable if the abuse escalates, but you need to look at that list with frequency every time you think you’re crazy, every time you think you should stay, and every time you question the validity of your perspective.
9. Understand the role you play. This is probably the most difficult part to swallow and until you leave the situation, you may not be able to accept it. But I’m here to be honest with you. There are two responsibilities in an emotionally abusive dynamic. One is the abuser, the other is the person that stays. Learning how to set and hold boundaries without controlling and actually executing on the consequences of those boundaries is critical. You MUST realize that you enable the behavior in certain ways and you must reclaim your personal power. Narcissistic individuals do not create their own energy, they siphon the energy of their victims. And you are likely a shell of who you once were, but let me tell you- you reclaim that power with every boundary you set, every time you grey rock them and refuse to allow emotional control, every time you identify a pattern, and every moment you spend pouring into you. You disempower yourself every time you let them control your emotions.
I had in my head to write a book, and maybe someday i will. But in the meantime, i want you to know i see your posts. I want you to know that like you i sat alone, thinking I’d never be able to leave, thinking i was crazy, thinking i was the problem, and there’s an other side.
I see you.
I believe you.
I know you can make it out of here, you just have to start.
CHOOSE YOU. 
I love you, don’t give up.
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